Harmonious Loops
By: Spooks
~ ~ ~ ~
02 sat for a few minutes, his heartbeat thumping loudly as he tried to catch his suddenly insufficient breath. For some reason, he was having trouble viewing the world in clear focus. The scientist ran through possible diagnoses for his abrupt change in physical condition, but he was unable to come to a conclusion that satisfied him. He finally felt his equilibrium return and stood up. As soon as he stepped away from his chair, however, 02 stumbled and was again forced to stop himself from falling. His heel had caught on the leg of his trousers.
02 knelt down on one knee and rolled up his pants legs. He wondered briefly why he hadn't noticed how ill fitting his clothes were, but quickly dismissed the thought as irrelevant. His sudden bouts of dizziness were of higher priority.
His mind working on the current task at hand, 02 wandered back into Heero's room. It was only when he slumped down in the chair at the boy's bedside did he actually realize where he was. Internally cursing his sudden absentmindedness, 02 understood his extreme folly as Heero's gaze settled on him. The scientist had intended to come back into the room after the soldier had fallen asleep, and therefore dodge any further questioning. Well, at least for that morning. Now it seemed that Heero was wide awake and partially revived by the food he had consumed only a short while ago.
"Well?" 02 finally asked wearily.
"Well, what?" Heero replied, smirking slightly.
"You said you had other questions. What are you waiting for?" 02 snapped back. He felt so irritated, unreasonably so. With effort he relaxed his suddenly tense posture. "Sorry."
Heero nodded minutely, his hair sliding in clumps against the press of the cotton pillowcase. "All right. I have a question...how long do you have left again?"
"Approximately six days and..." 02 checked his watch, "Around eighteen hours. I'm not sure about the exact hours and minutes since I was unable to confirm my specific arrival time."
"Then why did you say earlier today that you had eight days left?" Heero asked blankly.
"What? No I didn't!" The scientist protested, his voice rising in volume and pitch.
"Yes, you did. Yesterday when you explained everything, you said that you had seven days and a few hours. You story changed from then to now. Explain," The boy toned flatly.
"I--I must have been mistaken," 02 thought for a moment, his mind racing as he calculated the time. His felt so...scattered all of a sudden. Something else was looming on the edge of the conversation here, and it was not related to a minute slip-up in time tracking. He spoke slowly. "It must be part of my mental deterioration."
Heero raised an eyebrow, skepticism clearly etched in every hard line of his face. "Right."
02 glared down at the soldier, mildly outraged. It was very clear that Heero had ulterior motives for this line of questioning. "How can you suddenly be so suspicious, after everything I've told you?"
"You haven't told me anything!" Heero shot back forcefully. "You tell me half truths, and those are by definition half lies! You won't even tell me what killed the Duo I know! How can I possibly believe you when you leave things out and then contradict yourself?"
There was the conversation's other purpose: the boy wanted the whole truth. How noble. How terrifyingly destructive.
Seething, 02 stood up quickly. His chair toppled backwards and skittered harshly across the floor. The scientist paced back and forth across the room, then whirled and stalked straight to Heero's bedside. His face was a cold hard mask of intensity as he stared down at the calculated gaze of the soldier. How dare this, this, this boy! endeavor to speak to him in such a way! He gave into his anger. He gave into his guilt.
He had no choice. The truth must be spoken. It was what Heero wanted. May they survive the consequences...
When 02 spoke, his voice was a soft deadly balance of control and malice. "Do you really want to know what killed him? You want the details? You want to know what happened to make me this way!?"
Struggling, Heero managed to sit straight up. "Yes, damnit!" He immediately fell back down against his pillows, but his point had been made.
The soldier glared.
"Well, after you were killed, 03, Trowa, pulled your body from the wreckage. He was overwhelmed by a group of reinforcements and yanked from his cockpit. Even as his spine was broken and he was beaten, your still warm corpse was being urinated on and thrashed by the same group of soldiers. But you know this already, don't you? Or did I forget the details about what they did to your body?" 02 snapped out, his teeth flashing white as his mouth split into a maniacal grin.
02 felt as though he was standing in the eye of a hurricane; the boy didn't know what he had truly asked. The scientist was perfectly aware of how he had been manipulated into this confession, but he quite frankly did not care. Even as he came to the realization, he acknowledged his deterioration. It did not matter. This soldier, this young 01, he would not remember anyway. What did anything matter? 02's feral grin widened as he watched Heero's reactions. The youth's face was suddenly a shade paler.
"Fast forward about a week, to when the other pilots and I launched our rescue attempt. Guess what they did with your body? They took tissue samples and threw your into a freezer. Your mutilated, rotting corpse was a lot of fun to kick around, at least that's what they told me! I was captured, you know that too, but you know what they did to me? Do you!?" 02 shouted, spittle flying from his mouth.
The corners of Heero's eyes were tight, his hands clenching into fists. But his voice was steady. "What?"
"They cut off my braid, taking some of the scalp along with it! They beat me, they abused me, they insulted me, and they tortured me! Oh, but that was nothing!" His voice rose in pitch. "I didn't break! No! I threw every word right back at them, laughing as they cut me, spitting on them when they came too close. Then they decided to get...creative," 02's voice lowered to a whisper, all maniacal glee draining suddenly from his tone.
He couldn't take it anymore, he had to say it, couldn't control himself.
Autopilot.
He knew he was violently out of control, that he was on the verge of breaking himself merely by stating his confession. 02 took a deep breath and sank to the floor, kneeling by Heero's bedside.
He stared into the soldier's eyes with morbid intensity. The scientist saw himself, his own reflection looking right back at him, reflected tiny and warped with Heero's nervous eyes as blue mirrors behind them. For a moment 02 paused, fascinated by his own sickness.
He couldn't help himself. It had to be done.
His path had been erased as he made his journey. There was no going back.
He was admitting it happened...that it had happened...not to Duo, but to him, to 02.
And Heero had lead him to it...
02 stared past his twin reflections and deep into Heero's eyes when he continued. His voice was soft.
"They took your body out of the freezer and brought it into the room with me. It stank. It was rotting. Your arm had been broken, and the bone stuck out. That was bad enough. You were my friend, the sight of your mutilated body made my insides ache, my soul wrench. I was reminded in that moment of all I had lost. I could have grown to really love you, in a way that went far beyond our brief encounter in the dorm. I hadn't even realized that I held that hope for after the war when we were both safe, alive...but in that moment it came crashing down; the chance was gone. We'd never find our balance. Everything was gone. Reality crushed me. That pain alone was torture. I didn't think anything could be worse than that feeling. But I was wrong," 02 drew a shaky breath, then steeled himself. It had to be said.
He must say it.
It was no longer a choice.
"They pushed me over the back of the chair, tied me down, and then they took your body and made it---" 02 broke off, his voice lost as he relived the memory, a wave of dizziness accompanying the soundless, tearless sobs that wracked his shuddering body. Unable to keep his head raised, he slumped forward against the edge of the bed, his forehead resting against the cold steel of the bed frame.
Lost within himself, 02 let the pain rock through his body. Lost in oblivion again...He even forgot about Heero's presence until a tentative hand stroked the top of his head. Jerking up and away, scuttling backwards until his back collided with the far wall, 02 remembered with startling clarity where and when he was. Guilt washed over him as he caught sight of the horrified look in Heero's eyes. The boy had been profoundly affected by the scientist's malicious confession. He looked...wounded.
Horror washed over 02, threatening to drown him. What had he done? His guilt intensified a hundred fold...survival guilt compounded with victim's guilt and now he had just confessed it all to the one shining reason he had managed to live through it...
"Oh, oh, oh God. I'm sorry," 02 finally choked out. He hugged his knees to his chest but did not look away from Heero's pained gaze. That would have been cowardice.
"What? Why!?" The soldier looked positively startled.
"I--I shouldn't have told you," 02 whispered, unable to raise his voice for fear of it cracking again.
"I deserved to know. You deserved to tell me. I manipulated you into it, so if anything, it's my fault," the boy responded firmly.
"I knew you manipulated me. I let you. Damnit! I don't know what's happening to me. My control...my control...it's leaving me," 02 replied, his voice still faint.
"Your control?" Heero asked quietly.
"Yes," 02 answered. He hugged both knees more tightly to his chest and bowed his head, finally breaking their gaze. "Look, I'm not going to lie here. I don't like to lie even though I've been living in deceit for years...but back then I had known you for such a short time. You had a profound affect on me. I admired you; you were my friend, and for that one time, you were more. I preached spontaneity; you abided by control. That's all I could hold onto after I let Duo die...Control. It kept me alive. A twisted tribute, if you will. It was all I had left....and now I'm losing it. "
"But you didn't get a chance to know me, not yet, not then," Heero whispered, shifting restlessly. It was obvious he was frustrated by his immobility. "Control is important, yes, but your humanity should never be killed. What about the balance Duo, you, talked about? Missions come first, but you should always follow your emotions. If we, if you, had more time, then you would have known that's how I really feel. I always try to follow my emotions. You didn't have the time to learn that about me."
"It's always about time, isn't it?" 02 replied bitterly, tears finally managing to leak from his eyes. They scalded his icy cheeks. "I never saw you, as you say, 'live by your emotions.'"
"You did, you have, but you didn't realize it," Heero said, his face tingeing red all of a sudden. "We--uh, well, that was following my heart. I don't know if anything more would have come of us, but I'd like to think that there could be something...later. But then, with you, I was going not by my philosophy, but yours, giving into the moment. I saw for the first time the possibility of balancing emotion and control, the way you suggested. But I haven't had enough time to fully explore the idea, I was expecting there to be time for that later. Of course, I wasn't planning on self-destructing. That just...came up."
"But now there is later, at least for you," 02 replied, peering from underneath the cover of his long bangs. Wisps of hair clung uncomfortably to his wet cheeks.
"There's a later for you, too," Heero argued quietly.
"Not really," 02 shook his head.
"Almost a week," came the reply. "You said we only had that one night?"
"You know that as well as I do," the man answered, rocking slightly. His pants legs needed to be rolled up again, the cuffs were drooping halfway down his feet. Annoying.
"Would you--would you like more than that?"
Shock.
"What?" 02 blinked. What was the boy proposing, exactly?
"Would you like more than that?"
"Do you mean for the Duo of this time? You won't remember any promises you make, you must realize that by now," 02 shook his head, feeling the wetness of his tears chill with the movement.
"No, I mean for you," the boy soldier's voice was whispered, hesitant.
02 swallowed thickly and crawled to the edge of Heero's bed. He knelt there, below the level of the mattress so that he was level with the propped up boy. Then he cleared his throat. "Only if you want me. I don't want pity, and I don't want obligation."
"I think it would impossible to pity someone as strong as you," Heero replied firmly. "Despite how mature you think you are, you will never be anything unless you can live with yourself and your past. It's a hard pill to swallow. I do feel gratitude towards you, but I see my Duo inside you, and I want to make sure he's alive and well before you go."
02 felt something within him break free as he pulled himself up from the floor to sit on the edge of Heero's bed. The whole time 02 moved, he kept his eyes glued to Heero's, gauging the sincerity in them. He leaned forward, closer and closer until he was nose to nose with the soldier.
They stared at each other.
A silent conversation between the scientist and the solider, the man and the boy; it lasted a short eternity. It was Heero that finally broke the crystalline mood. He raised his head and softly touched 02's lips with his own.
02 closed his eyes and dwelled within the warm sensation. So different from his own chill...
It was not erotic.
It did not seek.
It was not fueled by anything other than conviction.
It was a humble sealing of a complicated pact.
It offered.
Then Heero relaxed and let his head fall back onto the pillow, his face peaceful and confident. 02 was stunned, the specter of the kiss still lingering on his lips and echoing through his mind.
"I have to think," the man said, his face contorting involuntarily as his emotions and control warred within his mind.
Heero nodded and closed his eyes. "I'm tired, anyway. We have a lot of ground to cover."
"Yes," 02 whispered.
He stood up and left the room quickly, his strides even and measured but somehow hesitant. He felt as though a million thoughts were assaulting him at once. A great weight had been lifted from his shoulders, but it was already replaced with the seemingly inevitable new kind of uneasiness and guilt. At the same time, he felt a sudden levity, as though he had been granted his most treasured but unacknowledged wish. But then, maybe he had. He felt his mind duel with itself even as his soul felt strangely settled. Could his subconscious be reconciled already? 02 did not know.
And what about the impact this would have on Heero? 02 could tell the boy's offer had been genuine, but what of the cost?
Despite his need for confession, 02 had not wanted the soldier to know what had really happened. Deep down, the scientist had always blamed himself for the death of little Maxwell. Indeed, he blamed himself for the whole ordeal. But...was he really sure about his thoughts, his guilt? Was he sure about anything anymore?
Now he knew that his whole control complex had been based on a misguided memory...his whole new existence, his life, based on a misunderstanding. Now Heero, this Heero, his Heero, was going to teach him? What a strain that would be on the recovering soldier! How could 02 be so careless as to let his patient become his teacher? But hadn't Heero always been his teacher, even after Duo left 02's mind?
What would be different? What would really change?
In less than a week, nothing would matter save that pilot 01 was alive.
02 lay down on his bed, curling into a tight ball on the bare mattress. His sheets were still stacked in Heero's room.
Heero would not remember him later. Nothing mattered.
Nothing.
Mattered.
Maybe that was okay.
It was this thought that ushered 02 into a dreamless, exhausted sleep.
~ ~ ~ ~
A few hours later 02 awoke. He popped his knuckles and stared at the ceiling. Some time during his nap he had uncurled from the fetal position he had fallen asleep in and was now lying flat on his back, a controlled sprawl.
Eventually the man decided to sit up and face the rest of the day. Restless thoughts plagued him as he wandered slowly to the doorway of Heero's room. 02 stood there for a long moment and watched the sleeping boy, drinking in the sight and contemplating their new pact.
How well would Heero really be able to function in the role he had taken? 02 examined the situation clinically, allowing his thoughts to take a purely logical track. In the boy's time, barely two weeks had passed since this little 01 had been with little Maxwell. Since then, the boy had been in the blank limbo of unconscious. So for him it had only been days, if even that, since he had spoken with little Maxwell, with Duo. To borrow one of Duo's old sayings, it had to be one hell of a mind fuck.
02 was sure that the encounter between the two young soldiers had been little 01's first of such a nature. It had probably been a revelation to the boy to realize he was capable of such emotions, and the implications of the two little soldiers' worlds colliding had obviously influenced 01. That much was fairly obvious from their earlier conversation. He just hadn't had enough time to fully comprehend the new data and reconcile it with his outlook. Now this little 01, this injured and currently debilitated soldier, he was offering his current tentative physical balance as a sacrifice so that 02 could let his old self come through before he expired, so that 02 could find his own mental balance in that short time.
The man felt pure marvel at the inherent strength the young soldier possessed. Even if the boy realized that he would not remember anything, he probably couldn't fully grasp the concept. It was astounding to 02 that the boy would make that sort of selfless decision.
Turning away from the room, and away from the peacefully sleeping Heero, 02 recognized that he would need to be the one to prepare himself for the next few days. He had so many issues that he needed to work out, some of which were founded, others of which were only logical in the sphere of his own mind. 02 knew that he had been lying to himself...but it had been the only way he had known how to live. Now he must face his delusions in order to be able to heal.
First he knew he must accept that he was once, and could again be, Duo Maxwell.
That in and of itself was the biggest obstacle he had to surmount.
For ten years he had strove to put as many walls as possible between himself and who he once was. He had been driven from sanity; living as a different person was the only way he had known how to let himself exist outside his own head. By becoming a number, he had negated his old existence and therefore attempted to negate what had happened to him. All along, he must have subconsciously realized that he had been unsuccessful.
He had always been plagued by his memories, but by pushing them aside he had deluded himself into thinking his method of separation had worked. How utterly human of him.
He told himself this, but he couldn't quite believe it yet. Logic and emotion rarely clasp easily together. 02 saw the truth about himself now, and that was a beginning. He could work with that.
Pacing through the house on an ever-changing course, 02 muddled through his thoughts. So much to consider, so much to reconcile, but what was most important? He honestly did not know.
Suddenly 02 stumbled. He cursed quietly and looked down at his unrolled pants legs. Sighing, 02 hitched the loose waist of his trousers and bent over, making short work of cuffing the bottoms of them up to his ankles. That way they would take longer to unravel. Upon straightening, 02 absently scratched the back of his head. His scars itched, a gnawing sensation that only vaguely permeated his senses.
After another few circuits of the house, 02 realized that he was getting nowhere fast, both literally and figuratively. So he returned to Heero's room.
02 picked up the chair he had knocked over earlier and sank down in it gratefully. He contented himself with watching the slow rise and fall of the soldier's chest, the life there taking on much more meaning than a mere mission. It always had, 02 reflected, but it was only now that he was able to admit it.
The rest of the day passed in a soft blur. When Heero woke, they ate again and discussed Trowa's inevitable return; the boy was due back soon. After cleaning up the remains of the small meal, the afternoon was spent in conversation. Their words were halting at first, then flowed into a smooth stream of discourse. Nothing about Heero's offer or 02's confession was discussed; their words were a welcome exercise in random chat and a casual swapping of personal information. They were getting to know each other.
It was the kind of simple rambling discussion in which soldiers and scientist rarely engaged.
That night when 02 settled down on the floor by Heero's bed, he was awake long after his friend had fallen asleep. His thoughts drifted aimlessly, going in meaningless circles that he hadn't explored for many, many years. He allowed himself to bask in the luxury of relaxation, both in body and in mind. Instead of ceaseless introspection, 02 fell asleep peacefully, listening to the steady breathing of the boy sleeping in the bed above him.
~ ~ ~ ~
The next morning 02 leisurely let his eyes slide open. Sitting up and stretching his arms, the man glanced over and watched Heero sleep. For an undeterminable amount of time 02 sat quietly and observed, his thoughts circling around the resting boy. 02 shifted to a kneeling position, then propped his elbows on the bed frame so that he could lean forward and be fractionally closer to the slumbering soldier.
The scientist took a deep breath and closed his eyes, only to open them again abruptly. Poor Heero, the boy absolutely reeked of bandages and body odor. Now that he was conceivably out of danger of dying, it would be imperative that 02 get the boy cleaned up. Well, that is, if he consented to the idea.
He decided to ask Heero about it as they ate breakfast. 02 stood carefully, fighting a wave of dizziness as he exited the room. By the time he returned, the soldier was blinking his eyes open and yawning, his fingers twitching slightly as he carefully stretched his arms at his sides.
02 set the light meal down and helped prop Heero up on his pillows. "Morning."
Heero gave a quiet grunt in return, his eyes fixed on the food. "Did this, uh, Trowa buy these supplies?"
"Yes," 02 nodded, reaching a casual hand up to scratch the back of his head. His scars were itching again. "In fact, 'this Trowa,' as you call him, should be returning soon."
"Ah," Heero just said as he carefully ate. Each motion was deliberate, but it was obvious that his strength was slowly beginning to return.
02 considered the taciturn soldier for a moment, then decided to dive right in. "So, do you feel like trying to take a bath?"
A single thick eyebrow raised in amusement. "Are you suggesting that I stink?"
"Well..." the man drawled for a second, then grinned slightly. "Yes."
A sudden bark of laughter erupted from Heero's lips, followed immediately by a quiet groan. "It hurts to laugh."
02 forced himself to remain silent, but soon found himself fighting the inexplicable impulse not to laugh himself. He and Heero stared at each other for a bare second before bursting into quiet laughter together.
They were going to be all right.
When they finished their respective meals their conversation continued, moving with the lighter tones of revealed secrets and little quirks that true friends just seem to know. The knowledge that time was running out and that all would be erased for 02 probably spurred their conversation into deeper, more intimate subjects, but neither party let that motivation dig too harshly into their minds. They took it as an unspoken agreement not to discuss their deadline, nor the heavy implications of it.
Then, after they both felt comfortable, 02 found himself carefully helping Heero to the safe house's small bathroom. After gently settling the boy down to lean against a wall, seating him on a folded towel, 02 ran a shallow bath. He would have preferred to administer a sponge bath, but they were without the necessary supplies. Therefore, this careful undertaking would have to do.
Staring at the small pool of tepid water, the scientist found himself at a loss for words. Rationally, he knew the many ramifications this act could have, not to mention where it could lead them later. He knew that he would (probably) be able to handle the stress, and knew that Heero would be both physically and mentally prepared for any consequences. But still, 02 stared at the water, unable to make himself turn towards the boy sitting just behind him.
"02," Heero whispered, jarring the man out of his introspection.
"Yes?" He answered, not turning around.
"It will be fine," the boy soldier spoke, his voice echoing through 02's mind.
Slowly the man turned on his haunches, eyes finally tearing away from the bathtub. "You're right."
And so 02 carefully washed him, tending to bandages, bruises, and still-scabbing wounds. The activity passed in mutual silence, 02 lost in an ocean of his own thoughts while Heero just dealt with the physical taxation the bath had on his healing body. If either had seriously thought that the bathing would lead to the fulfillment of Heero's offer, then neither had taken into account the full extent of each other's weaknesses; 02's mental and Heero's physical. It was, however, truly an activity of catharsis.
By the time 02 had finished, Heero was exhausted. He hadn't realized just how weak and injured his body had become due to the destruction of Wing. All this pain, come to pass over the press of a button... It was slightly unsettling, as he hadn't really assessed himself as closely as he had thought. It was a wonder he was alive, something that gave the soldier an uneasy feeling. Previously his life had held no real value to him, but faced with all that he had learned about the consequences of his own thwarted death, he was forced to deal with new thoughts on the value of life, especially his own. It was unsettling to see how close he had come to death, even with 02's intervention.
It gave him a lot to think about as 02 methodically assisted in dressing him in fresh clothing. And what about when he forgot 02? Would he forget all of this, too? Surely he would. Logically, of course he would forget. He would have no choice in the matter. It was a helpless feeling. This man, his poor sad savior, the warped version of Duo...even if Heero managed to help him, what would it matter when time ran out? The soldier firmed his resolve. Even if it wouldn't matter after the deadline, it would matter before, and that was enough.
As for 02, his thoughts were running in a rapid circuit of realizations. Logical, rational conclusions gained their final pieces of truth, completing the complicated puzzle that had been scattered by 02's trip backwards through time. There it was, and there it would be, even after he was gone. Heero was truly alive, and truly forgave him.
02 felt the split in his mind begin to come together. While efficiently cleansing the boy, 02's mind had gone through its own purging. Things were coming together for him, gelling in his mind as he finished completely with Heero and carried him back to the room. After changing the bed sheets, he laid the teenager out on the bed, blinking for a second at his suddenly cleaner vision.
As 02 watched, Heero dropped into a tired sleep. Leaving the soldier to rest, 02 wandered about the house, preparing their limited supplies for Trowa's return. He cleaned the small bathroom, letting his psyche continue to congeal together as he scrubbed at almost nonexistent dirt. Finally he stopped, satisfied, and sat down on the floor.
His scalp itched.
Reaching up, 02 removed the small band from his short ponytail and ruffled it, scratching at the scars there. He had barely touched the puckered area when he felt something come loose from the deadened skin and flake onto his fingers. A slight look of revulsion passed over his face and he scratched again, hard. As his nails came in contact with the tissue, more little flakes came showering down onto the back of his neck.
02 stood up and looked in the small mirror over the sink, simultaneously picking up a small hand mirror from the counter and turning so he could see his back reflected in the hand mirror. Carefully he moved his shoulder length hair aside and looked to see what was flaking off of his scalp. Surely it wasn't dandruff. He almost dropped the mirror when he saw what was peeling from his head.
It was his scars. His scars were flaking away. In fact, a dusting of short, fine hair was starting to grow in places that had been scarred and bald for almost ten years.
02's knees felt weak and he leaned heavily back against the edge of the bathroom counter. In some corner of his mind he noticed that the knuckles of his fingers were red and white as they clutched the hand mirror. The plastic handle was threatening to break. He loosened his grip and took a few deep breaths.
What did it mean? Could he be physically regressing as well? Was that why his clothes suddenly felt larger? What else could it be? It was completely illogical, though...but then, how was he to know what really made sense? Did that mean that his mental regression had truly been out of his hands, that his changes had come from science rather than himself? It was disturbing in ways that 02 was unprepared for. He had to be sure that this was indeed physical regression.
Experimentally, 02 scratched at the back of his head again. His hand was shaking. Sure enough, scar tissue flaked away underneath his fingernails. It was unsettling to watch.
02 turned slowly around and stared at himself in the larger mirror, setting the hand mirror down deliberately. For a long moment he just watched his eyes, trying to see if he had changed in other ways. He was unable to tell. He had made a habit of not looking in mirrors since...since Duo, no, since he, 02, had been traumatized.
But why the sudden changes now? Perhaps, 02 thought, it was because he was getting closer to the deadline. Could his body finally be reacting to the changes that time had wreaked on him for challenging its dominance? He wished futilely that he and his fellow scientists had considered such possibilities before, so that he would have more information with which to rationalize them with himself. But then, would that information truly have made a difference? Would it have stopped them from creating their portal and sending a traveler? Of course not. So what else could he do about these changes, other than live with them? Nothing. Nothing at all.
So be it. There was nothing to be done about the deterioration of his body. It was his mind on which he needed to focus his attention. For a long moment 02 wondered if he would have been so comparatively unconcerned about these physical developments if it weren't for the mental deterioration that had manifested first.
...But what if it was the degeneration of his body, and therefore his physical brain, that had caused him to change his perspective on life so drastically? Barely two weeks prior, 02 knew that he would have been relatively overjoyed at the possibility that it was not his fault his mind had so deteriorated...but now he felt differently.
It hurt.
He desperately needed to believe that at least some of his steps back towards his old self had been his own. Then another, more painful thought occurred to him. Could it be...could it be that the interaction with Heero had nothing to do with his changes?
No, 02 shook his head and looked away from the mirror. The mental changes did start it, and Heero had a lot to do with those. 02 also knew that he had made many decisions that had nothing to do with the mental deterioration...but the doubt lingered. He shoved it away. He knew that even if the physical deterioration had caused his mental changes, he himself had taken those changes further. That was that.
Besides, reasons "why" were not important anymore. 02 straightened his back and looked hard at himself in the mirror. The physical deterioration, unless it debilitated him, would be irrelevant. Decision made.
He left the bathroom and headed for Heero's room and his own pallet on the floor. Maybe if he took a nap he'd feel less confused. If he was regressing physically, was that why he was getting dizzy all the time? Or was it because he was beginning to fade already?
02 wished that he knew more about the traveling process. But then, had he met a time traveler from his own future, wouldn't he just have forgotten anyway? It was mildly depressing.
So many questions, so little answers.
He stared at the edge of Heero's mattress above him, feeling his mind and body begin to relax when the bed frame shuddered before his eyes. 02 sat up slowly and peered horizontally over at the boy's profile, witnessing the rapid eye movement that signaled Heero's dream state. He was having a nightmare, obviously.
02 worried his lower lip as he stared over at the agitated soldier. After only a moment's hesitation he crawled up onto the bed beside Heero and gently hugged him, ever mindful of the youth's injuries. The scientist sighed quietly as the boy stopped quaking and settled down, becoming a warm comfort against his chest.
Against his better judgment he felt himself begin to unwillingly relax, strangely content with the world.
~ ~ ~ ~
A blank time later 02 felt oddly unsettled and a little too warm as he woke from his un-habitual nap. As his eyes blinked slowly open he forced his senses back down into calm readiness as he realized why; he had fallen asleep while still holding onto Heero. It was nice, but necessary for him to move now. It wasn't his place, after all. It wasn't his place.
"No," Heero whispered as 02 started to sit up. "Just stay if you want to."
So 02 settled back down. Suddenly feeling very awkward, he just hugged the boy's prone body carefully to his own again, feeling the warmth of his life through their thin layers of clothes and bed sheets. So wonderfully different from his own chill...
Finally 02 found something to say. "Have you recovered from earlier?"
"As well as can be expected," came the quiet answer.
"Ah," the scientist grunted back, once again left with the urgent need to say something, to divert the attention away from just how close they were lying together on the narrow bed. He hadn't been that close to anyone, willingly, in ten years. The thought brought him a phantom lingering pain in his chest. It quickly faded.
"I'm going to be fine," Heero abruptly announced into the still room. He craned his head sideways on the pillow to look at 02. "And I've decided that I'm going to protect you."
02 raised an eyebrow and pulled back so that their heads were further apart. His heart twisted in gratitude at Heero's words, but his tone was playfully sarcastic. "Oh, and which me are you going to protect?"
He then relaxed his neck again so that their faces were once again only a few inches apart.
Their breath mingled. Warmth again.
"You're the same person," the soldier whispered.
"Are we?" the scientist's voice was pained.
The silence was thick.
"You can be," Heero breathed, then shifted over that last few inches and brought their lips together.
Both had their eyes open as the kiss initiated, but as it progressed they both felt themselves become caught in the sensation. 02, ever wary of Heero's injuries, rolled onto his side and leaned closer, gently responding to the movements of the younger man's lips, letting him have dominance even though 02 was the one leaning down and pressing him into the pillow. After a long breathless moment, 02 pulled back.
"Are you all right?" He asked.
"Yes," Heero replied, annoyance tingeing his voice. "I'll be fine. I can't believe I'm the one that's having to say this, but you're going to have to relax. I won't break."
"But--" 02 started, confusion clear on his face as he sat up. "I don't really see how it's going to work."
"How what's going to work?" Heero struggled to prop himself up on one elbow.
"Well..." the scientist took a deep breath and scratched the back of his head. He felt positively young again, being so sheepish. Well, he was only 25. "How are we going to do this when you can barely stand up on your own? You're not going to be able to do much, and I don't mean that to be offensive."
"I figured you were going to do all the work," the boy stated bluntly, his voice calm despite the slight coloring of his cheeks. "I thought that would be best not only on your mind, but on my injuries, as long as we were careful."
"Oh," 02 whispered. He knew that his expression was probably priceless. It was so strange, doing this. It was the last thing he would have ever thought would happen on this mission, but then, maybe destiny had different plans all along. It would certainly seem so. But then, 02 didn't believe in destiny, right?
Right?
"Trust me?"
"I always have."
And so they began. 02 dipped his head and let his heart speak for him in their kiss. Nothing was mechanical about it, just raw feelings expressed in a simple gesture. Progressing downward, 02 paid tribute to every inch of exposed skin he could find, his mind consumed with the singular desire to see and taste and touch the life before him. Everything in his own life had brought him to this moment, everything in his existence had been for now.
There was a blur of time and soft cries. 02 found himself cradling Heero's uninjured hand, holding it reverently before him. For the longest moment he stared at the hand, at the fine network of muscle and bone and life encased in such an efficient, yet potentially fragile, package. The pulse beating rapidly, barely felt in the small veins that ran along its back.
Marveling at the way his attention made Heero's heart race and his breath quicken, 02 shifted his gaze from the hand to Heero's slightly glazed blue eyes. They were watching him, witnessing his every movement. And yes, beneath the lust, the need, the love, and the genuine affection, there was fear. 02 felt his heart wrench. Holding Heero's gaze, he worshipped the hand.
First he pressed gentle lips to the palm, watching as heavy eyelids drooped closed and a shudder wracked the boy's frame. Carefully, 02 turned his attention to each finger, dropping dry little kisses on each fingertip, veneration and homage built into every minute gesture. Then he stopped, his own heart thudding a rapid cadence within his chest as he waited for Heero to open his eyes again.
Finally, after a long, intoxicating moment Heero did, dark blue eyes staring up at 02 with wonderment. Their gazes locked, and 02 slowly took the index finger into his mouth. First knuckle, and Heero's eyes went almost impossibly wide. Second knuckle, and both their breathing was coming in short, shallow pants. The whole finger, and Heero was arching off of the bed, his bandaged hand twitching against the sheets underneath him.
And so 02 worshiped Heero's hand, then, slowly, ever so slowly, paid his homage to every bit of warm, breathing, living part of Heero he could safely touch without fear of injuring him. The soldier, the Selfless One, was reduced to a wreck of shuddering nerves and tender skin by the time his body was fully worshipped by the man, and when the final moment, the sheathing of their bodies and souls came, it was a divine experience for them both.
In 02's mind, everything came together. Something intangible grew and burst in his soul at their joining, destiny and time coming together in a single brilliant moment of completion. The broken circle of his life came together.
02 threw his head back and wept, his voice merging with his partner's as he accepted the divine gift Heero had offered him. 02 felt himself mercifully slipping away. He knew he'd be back...but...
02 closed his eyes and let Duo breathe. If only for a moment...
~ ~ ~ ~