By: Spooks
~ ~ ~ ~
02 landed painfully on a patch of rocky soil, his full weight skidding on his left shoulder before he ran out of momentum. He had dived headfirst into the crackling portal of energy, and thus was completely unprepared for the trip and its consequent electrical jolt. The hastily grabbed charts lay all around him, scattered and torn and dirtied after his plunge through time. Ignoring the sharp stabs of agony radiated from his shoulder, 02 hopped to his feet and fell into a fighting stance. Unsure of his surroundings and without weaponry, the scientist was not even sure if he was where he was supposed to be.
After a minute of total silence, he deemed the patch of trees around him as enemy free; 02 broke his out of his stance. Shunting the pain in his shoulder away from his conscious attention, he also tried to forget the vivid mental picture of 03, 04, and 05 being gunned down. Unable to get the bloody image out of his mind, 02 dropped down to his knees, his head bowed. Longish strands of hair brushed his shoulders and caressed his face, and as he gathered up the fallen papers, it was almost a struggle to remain emotionless.
He was now the last. He had to succeed. There would be no time for respite, no time for guilt, and no time for grief. Time was too fickle a thing for him to waste in mourning for those who had, in reality, died so long ago.
Still shaken from the escape and the trip back through ten years of hell, 02 was not in good shape. Physically he was still in top notch form, but traveling through the time stream always made him feel as though he had been taken apart and put together again molecule by single molecule. Every muscle, every tendon, every nerve seemed to ache with an electric pain that tingled through his system.
Gathering his charts and papers, 02 pushed back all of his perceived weaknesses and focused on the now. With stealth that can only come from years of living in hiding, 02 made his way out of the thicket of trees and into the city. Looking around cautiously, he was relieved to note that it was very early morning, as they had projected. The coordinates had been accurate. Early morning had been the planned arrival time because only homeless and inebriated people were on the streets at such an hour. Moving quickly, 02 dragged one wandering man into a dark alley, knocking him unconscious with a clean chop to the neck. Stealing the man's shirt, 02 shed his own blood-splattered top. Folding the discarded shirt into a tight ball, he carried it with him, bloodstains hidden on the inside of the roll.
Now deeming his appearance suitable, 02 went to the small hotel that should be at the planned coordinates. Research had shown that this hotel was grateful to have any customers for more than an hour at a time, and therefore no questions would be asked about payment being made with cash. Renting a room, 02 began the process of regrouping and planning. The details were pounded into his mind, imprinted with years of planning, but now those plans were resting in his shaky hands. He had to prepare himself for the ordeal ahead. There were many reasons why he had not wanted this mission, why they had needed a traveler. Now he was being forced to face his past. Almost ten years ago, only a week away, Duo Maxwell had died, and 02 had been forced to take control. The memories that could potentially be forced to the surface by this mission were unpleasant, and the prospect of facing them was daunting.
By good fortune that almost had seemed to point towards an optimistic outcome of the mission, the group of back line soldiers that would be the captors of 03 were currently on route to their permanent base of operations. They would be in this area for only three more days. The soldiers were headed to a small base that was located near where the Gundams would ambush the Taurus transports, and it was those soldiers that had unexpectedly shown up at the battle after Une had threatened the colonies. Their location near the school that 01 was staying at only made the plan that much more efficient to execute.
He'd deal with the soldiers first, though; he craved their painful deaths. There was good reason he had not been the appointed traveler. He tended to get carried away when violence was involved.
02 had to stop a look of hatred that was trying to fight its way onto his face. It was those soldiers that had crippled 03 and desecrated 01's remains. It was those soldiers who had...he killed that thought process before it could progress down a detrimental path. He needed to hone his anger, filter it into the mission, not let any other weaker emotions get in his way. Motivation was all that those feelings were good for at this point. Excess would be useless. Even after all those years, he still had trouble with control.
At the moment he could do nothing but wait. He knew where and when he would be able to acquire the necessary weapons and tools for the infiltration of the soldiers' temporary base. As soon as dawn broke he would be out and preparing, drawing funds from accounts that G had set up so long ago for the Duo Maxwell of the past. If 02 saw the irony of stealing from his younger self, he didn't show it. Grimly the man stared up at the ceiling. He'd have to awaken in a few hours. Closing his eyes, he forced himself into a dreamless sleep.
~ ~ ~ ~
Eyes snapping open at precisely 7 a.m. just as he had decided the night before, 02 sat up. Having lain the rest of the night completely motionless on top of the old hotel comforter, it did not take much to make the room look as though it was never occupied, just in case the hotel's maid service ignored the “do not disturb” sign. Fully alert and ready to go acquire his necessary tools, 02 only paused as he left the room to use the restroom facilities.
The day passed in a calculated blur. Achieving his objectives was almost laughably easy. His cold stare and ancient eyes made people want to do as he asked just so they could get away from him. Ten years of age also made a monumental difference when dealing with shady arms dealers. With his weapons and explosives gathered, 02 only regretted the loss of the memory modification device. It was unfortunate, but people were going to remember him. It could be damaging to the mission, but 02 did not know how he was going to be able to rectify the situation. Deciding to deal with those consequences later, he could only hope that he did not harm the fabric of time. He was there to help, not to hinder. At the same time, however, the temptation for vengeance was almost too great to be ignored. Perhaps if he was creative in his mission, then he could satisfy both his desire for blood and his need to fulfill the mission parameters. And so he made a new plan, a modified version of their original.
That night he was ready, his new lock picks, explosives, knives, and various guns all inspected and prepared. Once he reached the base, 02 was inside the security radius in the blink of an eye. Stealth had always been his ally, and now remorseless cunning would allow him a small measure of revenge. Only minimal guards were watching over the unit as they slumbered; the sentries were only going through the motions. They thought that the chances of being attacked were next to nil, especially with such a low class unit at such an unimportant juncture. Normally they would have been right. In 02's past, the soldiers had been safe. But this time was different. They had to be terminated.
It was at this point that 02 deviated from the original plan and to his new one. Their traveler was supposed to destroy the soldiers’ mobile suits, but the memories of what these particular men had done followed every movement 02 made. It was more rewarding in his mind that the soldiers themselves be destroyed. It would not make up for 02's past, 03's mutilation, and 01's terribly shameful desecration. For payment of the soldiers' sins, 02 did not think their newly planned fate was nearly enough. But it would do. Oh, yes, it would do.
After efficiently killing the men standing guard with a quick succession of well-aimed, silenced shots, 02 crept into the inner workings of the temporary bunker. He had to destroy any surveillance gathered that could possibly betray his existence. Nothing could remain of him in this time frame; he was an intruder. Even though in the remaining actions of the plan would undoubtedly destroy all the evidence, he wanted to be certain. The scientist was determined to be perfect.
Following the map he had memorized years ago while researching every angle of the mission, 02 quickly found his way into the control room. Easily killing the man watching the many grainy monitors, 02 wondered why the soldier had not known he was coming. Pushing the body out of the rolling office chair and onto the hard floor, 02 set to work on the computer bank in front of him, setting up a lockdown of the premises.
Pleased with the unexpected control at his command, he modified his plan of revenge into a well-calculated and malicious attack. In minutes he had it set up so that a single keystroke would set off a timer, and when the countdown was over the covers on the windows would slam shut and the doors would be sealed. A defensive measure would be the deaths of the soldiers. How ironic.
02 cut off the water main to the building by hacking into the environmental controls. He was pleased that Oz had all this equipment at his fingertips, he had not expected it to be so easy to access those systems. Most of his research had been on how to destroy the MS lined up only a short distance away.
Satisfied with his modified plan and its preparations, he focused his attention on the surveillance equipment, the initial reason he had come to the control room in the first place. Swiveling his chair, the scientist manipulated the tapes to display the exact time that he had come onto the premises. He divided his concentration into separate consciousnesses unto themselves and watched the screens, ready to pick out which tapes needed to be immediately destroyed.
On the many screens, the few guards dropped to the ground, one by one. Leaning forward, 02, ran back a particular monitor, focusing completely on that guard. The man fell, but no bullet hole appeared in the center of his forehead. He seemed to merely pass out. Frustrated, 02 ran back each recording of every single guard, and every man just seemed to collapse. 02 was confused, then rationalized that it must be one of the strange effects made by time, working to fix the aberration he had caused. It would be something to worry more about later; at the moment he had to terminate those soldiers.
Leaving the control room, 02 placed firebombs throughout the bunker, directing them so that the walls would burn only after the contents of the rooms had been destroyed by a fiery inferno sparked by the sequence of small scale napalm explosions. Satisfied, 02 secured his exit route, returned to the control room, and set the timers off. The lockdown would be in place only five seconds before the bombs went off.
02 hoped the soldiers would be awake. They would suffer more.
Fleeing, 02 felt no guilt about the brutal fate he had set in motion for those soldiers. Out of the compound in minutes, he turned around just in time to see the shutters slam over the windows and the doors bolt in place. He smiled as the sound of raging fire and terrified screams reached his ears. Without water, the sprinkler system could not put out the flames, and there was no way out.
02 smiled for the first time in years as he basked in the glow of sweet revenge, imagining the monsters inside clawing and tearing at each other in a frantic dance to get away from the searing flames. Hell. For a moment longer he stood, listening to the dying men inside the bunker, then was gone in an instant.
He had to modify Wing's explosive package, and to do that, he had to get to the Gundam. Familiar plans and timetables scrolled in his mind. He would have carry out that task before 01 left to intercept the transport, but after the mission to destroy the air base. If he did so before then, 01 might catch the modification during that mission, and it was to take place the following night. Timing was of the utmost importance; 02 would have to be close in order to strike at the appropriate juncture.
~ ~ ~ ~
The next day 02 found himself standing a few blocks away from the school 01 and his naive self were attending for their cover. With deceptively casual eyes he watched the two young boys as they wandered away from the rest of their gym class. Remembering the exchange from so long ago, 02 almost shuddered at the flippant words being passed between the pair only a few hundred feet away.
'I stood out, he was right,' 02 thought. 'I was so happy then, despite being caught in the midst of war. This was the last respite before my world fell apart.'
A terrible pang lanced through 02 at the thought of what had happened later. Little 02 and little 01 would become very close very quickly in only a matter of hours. A thinly veiled contest had been waged, and 02 vividly remembered the gleam in 01's eyes from so long ago. Abruptly 02 frowned, cutting the rising nostalgia and memories out of his mind. He had to focus.
Turning sharply on his heel just as that little Dorlain girl arrived, 02 walked away.
Tonight, after 01's mission, he would alter the explosive package. He needed to get some rest before then. After making those modifications, he would have to travel to where 01 was going to detonate in a few days via an unsuspecting young 03. His mission would pick up again at the battlefield.
A few hours passed while 02 made preparations for the mission that night, setting out all the weaponry and electronic devices he would need. He took a shower and combed through his shoulder length hair, feeling a faint twinge of loss that hadn't surfaced in years, sparked by seeing his naïve self's long swinging braid. Putting the thoughts of that distant past out of his mind, he picked up a pair of binoculars and a gun, then went for a stroll. Sleeping would not be conducive to his current mood.
How he came to be spying on his past self's dorm room minutes later was beyond 02's rational comprehension. The scientist reasoned that perhaps he still held a sick sort of fascination with the events that had so changed his young life, events that had spiraled out of control in part because of what was about to happen in that small room. Raising the binoculars, 02 watched that scene happen, feeling memories surge unwillingly up from his subconscious as he watched his memory unfold from a different perspective. He had tried so hard to forget, but he knew the timing of the scene perfectly.
01 had just entered the room with young 02, and the two were arguing in a way that was almost playful. All at once, the young 02 was leaning forward, planting a kiss right on 01's lips, jumping back and laughing nervously a moment later. Sputtering in shock, 01 stepped back for a second, and just as the scientist remembered it, 01 fairly seized his younger self in a strong embrace, his lips warring with the other boy's in a lusty battle for domination.
02 dropped his binoculars and took a shuddering breath, his hard won self control faltering as he let the memory sweep through him. If only that hadn't happened so long ago, he wouldn't have been nearly as broken by his experience under the capture of Oz and those sadistic soldiers.
Standing up from his hiding place wearily, 02 returned to his tiny hotel room without so much as glancing in the direction of the dorm window. He knew the scene would return when he slept. It was a pleasant memory, but the nightmare that would result from its resurgence was almost too terrible to even consider.
When 02 did dream, it was either about blood and death, or it was a vision of 01. The pain he felt as the result of either dream was incredible, but in a twisted way he preferred the former to the latter. Pain he could deal with easily, but shame and guilt where two things he could not so easily dismiss, not even after years of struggle.
As 02 lay down for a quick nap in preparation for his midnight mission, he knew that he would dream of both 01, and the pain would follow.
~ ~ ~ ~
He was walking, and the world seemed a bit larger than it usually did. A comforting weight against his back told 02 all that he needed to know about where and when he was. As he had expected, he was experiencing that dream again. And then, as his subconscious took more control, he was a little lost, moving through the dream as though it was happening to him all over again.
"You shouldn't have argued with the teacher like that, Duo," A nasal voice was droning from behind him. Then he was turning, walking backwards as he looked back at the Japanese boy, a sarcastic smirk finding its way onto his face. 02 faintly thought that it felt strange to smile like that, but then he was pushed out of awareness again. The memory took over completely.
"What was I supposed to do? Let him sit there and rip on the colonies like that? He basically said that we're a bunch of worthless shits, and you think I'm going to take it?" Duo responded, anger crossing his features. "Besides, people know the two of us are not from Earth, it's obvious just by the way we stand. If one of us hadn't spoken up then it would have looked even more conspicuous than my arguing."
Heero stopped for a moment, then continued to follow the other boy down the hallway. "And everyone would have forgotten five minutes later that we had kept quiet. Now people will be talking about you. Silence wouldn't have stuck out nearly as much as your actions did. You need to learn to control yourself."
Ahead of the Wing pilot, Duo turned, opening his room door and grinning. "Yeah, control, sure. You'll see how much control I have when I'm the one that gets to that base first."
"Right," Heero replied dryly. "Without control you'll get distracted from your objectives. Even if you show up before I do, I will still be the one that completes the mission."
"Well, I don't like control. Ruins my fun," Duo replied, a devilish gleam suddenly in his eyes. He took an abrupt step closer to the other boy. Their warm breath mingled for a moment as Duo’s voice became low and teasing. "In fact, I usually go by what my instincts say."
"Oh really?" The Japanese soldier replied, suddenly looking confused. Duo was standing very close all of a sudden.
"Really," Duo answered, leaning forward quickly and stealing a kiss from the other boy's lips. He then laughed a bit nervously and hopped back out of punching range.
Heero's blue eyes were impossibly wide as his hand ghosted up towards his face, fingers probing at his lips as though he had never noticed them before. "What the--What?"
"Did you like that?" Duo asked quietly, his head ducked a bit as he peered at Heero through a shroud of spiky bangs. "I'm sorry if you didn't, but it felt right at the time."
Still looking shocked, Heero took two quick steps forward and pulled the other boy to him, devouring the other's lips in a ferocious and frantic kiss. Pulling away only slightly, he stared at the boy still held tightly in his arms. "It was right. I don't know why, but it was. It is."
Then they were moving, arms locked around each other in a fierce embrace as they shuffled towards Duo's little bed. Their lips worked together in a warm battle, tongues sparring slickly and smoothly, almost dancing against each other. Sinking back onto the thin mattress, Duo pulled the Japanese boy down with him, drawing Heero on top of his body and moaning softly as their hips rocked together for a moment of pure instinctual bliss. Hands wandered and bodies reacted to soft and clumsy caresses, throaty growls and quiet moans managing to sneak out of the occupied mouths.
Breaking the kiss for a moment, Duo took control, his arms tightening around Heero's back, flat palms smoothing their way down to the soldier's hips. Grinding upward, Duo pulled down with his hands, bringing their sudden arousals together with enough hard friction to make them both moan loudly. Taking advantage of his partner's distraction, Duo hooked his legs up and in a quick movement was sitting on top of Heero, pressing the Japanese boy's back down onto the bed.
Duo straddled Heero's hips, rocking forward so that the delicious friction could continue. A look of awe and nervous anticipation colored Heero's normally stoic expression, and Duo felt a surge of pure joy at seeing his partner respond in such an animated way. Unable to stop himself, Duo leaned forward, lowering his lips to Heero's in a gentle kiss. It was a far cry from the earlier frantic one, but the emotions conveyed in the action spoke more clearly than a thousand of Duo's words could have.
And Heero was kissing back, turning the simple action into a tender exchange between the two as it progressed. Duo felt a shock of delight surge up within his heart at the response. As he felt gentle hands play over his neck and shoulders, he shuddered, leaning down, even closer to bury eager fingers into Heero's soft thick hair, lightly massaging his scalp. Duo felt as though he was slowly melting into the boy-soldier beneath him, making him a part of Heero and Heero a part of him.
Merging together so sweetly, there was nothing in the world but the two of them. The moment was perfect. But it had to end.
Duo felt hands squeezing and pushing gently at his shoulders. Sheepishly he pulled away and sat up, leaning back against the tops of Heero's upper thighs. His voice thick, he took one of the other soldier's hands in his and held it tightly. "See? Sometimes losing control can be a good thing."
Heero looked up at the boy straddling him, his eyes dilated slightly with passion, his lips slightly puffy. "I suppose so. But now...Duo, the mission." The Japanese pilot sounded so regretful. One hand trailed up to rest at the base of Duo's neck, and Heero sat up a little, pulling the American forward a bit to settle in his lap, Duo's legs wrapped around his waist. For a moment longer they sat there, just holding onto each other and trying to sort out their private thoughts.
"There can be balance, you know," Duo said eventually, getting off the bed, a soft smile on his face.
"Perhaps," the other boy replied, looking thoughtful. He began to stand, moving slowly, as though getting up from the bed was infinitely difficult.
Duo held out a hand to help Heero up, and 02 came roaring to the surface with a tortured but silent cry. As the hands connected, the vision fluctuated. Instead of tenderly holding Heero's warm hand, Duo's fingers were cold and going numb, circulation cut off by tight wire bonds. Duo was screaming, the dark world moving around him as he was surrounded by a clammy pallor. 01 was there. 01 was dead.
Sobbing and crying, Duo was unable to move, and then the terrible desecration came, cold and flaccid, hot pain and icy horror mixing together to kill his soul. The act overcame the small boy, completely breaking his psyche with every stab and violation. When it was over, Duo forced himself to stop feeling, otherwise he would have gone completely out of his mind, never to return. With every cold and unnatural defilement he was forced to retreat more and more into his own blank world. It was the only way he could live with himself. Nothing short of a miracle would be able to fix him. 02 didn't believe in miracles.
Duo Maxwell died. There was nothing for a long time. Then 02 took control.
~ ~ ~ ~
02 woke up then, no look of horror or sheen of sweat betraying his intense inner torment. He simply opened his eyes and sat up. Rolling off of the bed, he knew it was time to modify Wing.
Trying not to think too much about the dream or the nightmare, 02 couldn't help but envision how the dream should have ended, with his foolish younger self playfully locking the unsuspecting 01 in a closet on the way to their Gundams. How ludicrous of that naive little 02, acting in such a ridiculous manner. 01 was right, control was important; 02 knew that control was everything. By now 01 would have obtained the objective in one clean shot to that tower. 01 was efficient.
Leaving the tiny hotel room, 02 adjusted the pack of supplies strapped to his back. He moved quickly and silently, making his careful way to where Wing would be hidden. Soon he was moving through a thicket of trees, his footsteps placed meticulously. He would leave no path. His passing betrayed no sound.
Up ahead of him, his trained eyes easily picked out the camouflage netting that hid the Gundam from view. Not positive about how long Wing had been there, knowing that Deathscythe had arrived first and was hidden only a half-mile away, 02 was unaware about the exact whereabouts of 01. Memory told him that younger 02 had beaten the other pilot back, and that 01 would visit the boy's room as soon as he returned, but the exact amount of elapsed time between was unknown to 02. Therefore he had to move with the utmost caution. If 01 suspected someone had been anywhere near his Gundam, he might do a more precise systems check before departing for the next mission. It would destroy ten years of work, being caught at this point. 02 absolutely refused to let a careless error be his undoing.
As it was, it was quite fortunate that 02 was being so careful, because only the softest rustle of leaves betrayed 01's movement. Leaping back and into the shadows, 02 stood, watching the approaching young boy for any sign that he had been detected. As 01 walked past 02's hiding place, the Japanese pilot's shoulders stiffened, and he faltered for a moment before continuing onward.
02 let out his breath and came out of hiding exactly one hundred counts after he had been certain that 01 had left. Only thirty feet away from the boy that had been dead to him for ten years, 02 had felt a foreign sense rise up within his chest, accompanied by both pleasant and completely terrifying memories. He had been downwind of the soldier and had been able to faintly smell that particular odor of gunpowder, Gundanium, and raw power that 02 had forgotten completely. Being in such close proximity to the long dead soldier, 02 felt strangely troubled, as though he had seen a ghost. The knowledge of what was to transpire between 01 and little 02 that night made the scientist unsettled in a way he couldn't completely repress. He had to fix things.
Making an effort to push those mixed feelings and memories out of his mind, 02 quickly took care of the explosive package on Wing's detonation device. A few subtle changes in angles and firing order modified the blast so that instead of the cockpit being held in the heart of the debris, it would get a preliminary blast that would be just enough to throw the pilot away from any flying shrapnel. 02 remembered the sensory data his Gundam had picked up of 01 stepping out of his cockpit to trigger the self-destruct. With these modifications, 01 would be thrown free and with all probability, survive.
Now that those unexpected soldiers had been terminated, there would be no back-up reserves to apprehend 03 from picking up 01's body. Therefore, 03 would not be caught and would not be crippled. At the very least, 02 knew that he had saved his former associate from that particular fate.
The mission was not complete, however, until he was certain that 01 would live. Consequently, he would have to be present after the battle to make sure that 01 survived the wounds he'd receive from the long descent to the ground after the explosion. Only then would 02 be satisfied with the job and consider it finished.
In two and a half weeks he would cease to exist, and he had to be certain that his efforts were not in vain. He didn't want his younger self to become like him; that was a fate 02 wouldn't wish on anyone.
~ ~ ~ ~
The next morning 02 was on the move before dawn broke, on his way to a point where 03 was going to pause on the way to his mission camp. Many times 03 had outlined where and when he temporarily halted in his route, explaining as well as he could remember his level of distraction at each stop. 02 felt suitably prepared as he hid amongst some thick brush at the side of a deserted highway only two days after taking care of Wing.
Constant travel and little nourishment had made the man weary, but the pieces were moving into place; he could not yet rest. Just as 03 had told him he would, the younger version of the wheelchair-bound scientist was pulling to a stop right in front of 02's hiding place.
02 watched as the young 03 gracefully leapt down from the cab of the truck. Seeing 03 so mobile was slightly shocking, and 02 had a hard time overlapping the boy before him with the crippled scientist he had spent years working alongside.
03 moved away from the truck for a moment, stretching his long legs and pulling out a small communications device as he circled around the vehicle. As soon as 02 saw the opening, he was up and running, and in seconds he was underneath the flatbed of the truck, separated from the Gundam HeavyArms by only a strong expanse of steel above his head. Crouched down and peering out from under the edge of the flatbed, 02 watched as 03's legs disappeared back up into the truck cab. Scuttling along underneath the bed of the truck, 02 made his way to the tail end of the vehicle. He stood up, being careful to stay in the blind spots of 03's mirrors. Carefully, as the truck started up again with a deep rumble, 02 leapt up to sit next to the covered Gundam's feet.
Easing back the heavy tarp that masked HeavyArms from view, 02 crawled underneath the material and between the suit's feet. Activating an electromagnetic belt tuned to the specific particle frequency of Gundanium, 02 secured himself, attached now to the Gundam for duration of the ride. Smoothing the tarp, he lay down and tried to become just relaxed enough to sleep without getting comfortable enough that he'd lose his attentiveness. Finally finding just the right balance between pain and repose, 02 let the dull roar of the engine in his ears and vibrating steel under his back lull him into a restless sleep.
~ ~ ~ ~
The repressed emotions sparked by surfacing memories rose up in 02's mind, gagging and silencing him into submission and taking him into a land ruled by harsh nightmares. Everything he had seen that had brought back the good memories had also sparked the remembrance of the coldly creative violation of his mind and body.
The contrast of the pleasant memories made the vision that much more painful.
Raw pain tore through his mind, and he was assaulted by memory after memory of pain and degradation. Cruel taunts accompanied the physical abuse, the vague images of faceless Oz soldiers surrounding him. A slice of pain at the back of his scalp as part of the skin was ripped away with the hair. Hot blood and misery, trickling down the nerves of his neck. It was nothing in comparison, though...
A choked scream, and then blackness. Resurfacing again, the stiff form of a dark haired corpse, now violation, cold shooting stabs of humiliation.
Thrusting agony.
Cold.
Shame.
Guilt.
A sensation of breaking, then it was all at a distance. Observing the torture now, not feeling.
02 regained awareness, his eyes snapping open. The truck had stopped moving forward, but the engine still rumbled. A moment later, the truck was moving again, and 02 relaxed, letting his thoughts have free reign, a mistake he acknowledged even as he made it.
The nightmare had come back again, and he knew it was because of the reminders he had experienced over the course of the mission. Seeing the interaction between his younger self and 01, he had been unable to repress the lonely bright memory. That had been a mistake, and seeing 01 so closely had only reminded his subconscious of the pain that had followed. Being back in this time, 02 knew that he was rapidly losing part of himself. He was degenerating, regressing slightly, and it was because of the environment he had been thrust into. The brutal death of his colleagues, the reminders, and the whole concept of the mission itself wore heavily on 02's mind. And here he had thought the experiences were behind him. Pathetic.
Once again 02 let himself drop into oblivion, resigned to his fate of nightmares and recalled agony. It kept him going, after all. Motivation in its strongest sense, he didn't want the world to turn out like it had. Resolve and shame solidified his determination even as he fell back into the land of sleep.
~ ~ ~ ~